May 21, 2011, 8:51 P.M. EST
Dear Diary,
Hmm, I'm still surrounded by Christians. I guess God stayed up late last night helping Fred Phelps come up with witty new catch phrases for his picket signs ("God hates fags" is pretty good, but it's getting a little stale, in my opinion) and simply couldn't work up enough energy to start the Apocalypse today. I'm somewhat disappointed, as I was really looking forward to a world without Kirk Cameron...
More later,
Derek
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Jesus is coming, everybody look busy!
Hey guys and gals, I was surfing the internet today and I came across some interesting news and I just thought I'd give everyone a head's up. Umm, apparently the world is coming to an end in a few months. Yeah, I know. Ain't that just a kick in the beans? Don't believe me? Well just look at this:
That's right, you can forget all about that silly Mayan 2012 nonsense, we've got an even closer date based on an even more asinine and spurious source of information, the bible! Or should I say, the bible as interpreted by one Mr. Harold Camping.
For those of you who may not be familiar with Harold Camping, let me bring you up to speed. Harold Camping is a Christian radio broadcaster, author, and president of Family Stations, Inc. who, in addition to actively scorning scientific progress and free inquiry; (choosing instead to promote his own personal brand of ignorance and fear-based superstition) has quite the knack for, shall we say, whimsically picking numbers from the bible and then performing mind-bogglingly convoluted mathematical calculations to support his silly claims. This time Camping has plucked a few divine lotto numbers from his posterior (hence the smell) and came up with the "Bible Guaranteed" date of the Apocalypse.
What about that pesky "No man shall know the hour" thing, you ask? No worries, Camping has that one covered. On his website he quotes: "Whoso keepeth the commandment shall feel no evil thing: and a wise man’s heart discerneth both time and judgment." For those of you who don't follow Harry's reasoning (I use the term in its loosest sense), allow me to spell it out for you. Because no man who has walked upon this Earth has ever been wiser, more humble, or closer to Jesus than Mr. Camping himself, he alone has had the truth (again, loose sense) revealed to him by none other than Big G. Well hot damn, ain't that a helluva coincidence?
It's difficult to imagine anyone taking Mr. Camping's dubious claims seriously, especially in light of the fact he already fucked up once on his "Bible Guaranteed" end of days prediction back in 1994 (seems God had a scheduling conflict). However, in what is perhaps the strongest case for atheism I can imagine, Mr. Camping has not only managed to maintain his popularity in the years following his failed prediction, but his radio network has now grown to over 150 stations in the United States alone, producing content in over 40 different languages...end times indeed.
We can only hope that when the sun rises on May 22, 2011 and the world still looks suspiciously like it did on May 20th, Mr. Camping's followers will come to the realization that this man is so chock full of a certain brown, malodorous substance that I suspect he is forced to take monthly doses of Rid-X lest he explode. Perhaps then they might shrug off "Honey Dipper" Harold Camping's superstitious shackles and actually start thinking for themselves instead of blindly following this charlatan. A charlatan whom, I'm sure you will be stunned to discover, is still taking donations on his website despite the end being nigh upon us. Perhaps he's saving up for a penthouse suite in heaven.
Despite my obvious doubts, I think I'm gonna take this prediction seriously, and since it just so happens that the supposed day of the Apocalypse, October 21st (the advertised May 21st is merely Rapture Day...be sure to get your Hallmark cards now though) falls on a Friday this year, I see absolutely no reason why we all shouldn't throw one big "Kiss Your Sweet Ass Goodbye" party. I mean the Earth has been pretty good to us humans for almost 11,000 years (Camping's silly-ass math, not mine) so let's send this bitch out in style! Who's with me?
 |
| The Bible Guarantees It, Or Your Money Back! |
That's right, you can forget all about that silly Mayan 2012 nonsense, we've got an even closer date based on an even more asinine and spurious source of information, the bible! Or should I say, the bible as interpreted by one Mr. Harold Camping.
For those of you who may not be familiar with Harold Camping, let me bring you up to speed. Harold Camping is a Christian radio broadcaster, author, and president of Family Stations, Inc. who, in addition to actively scorning scientific progress and free inquiry; (choosing instead to promote his own personal brand of ignorance and fear-based superstition) has quite the knack for, shall we say, whimsically picking numbers from the bible and then performing mind-bogglingly convoluted mathematical calculations to support his silly claims. This time Camping has plucked a few divine lotto numbers from his posterior (hence the smell) and came up with the "Bible Guaranteed" date of the Apocalypse.
What about that pesky "No man shall know the hour" thing, you ask? No worries, Camping has that one covered. On his website he quotes: "Whoso keepeth the commandment shall feel no evil thing: and a wise man’s heart discerneth both time and judgment." For those of you who don't follow Harry's reasoning (I use the term in its loosest sense), allow me to spell it out for you. Because no man who has walked upon this Earth has ever been wiser, more humble, or closer to Jesus than Mr. Camping himself, he alone has had the truth (again, loose sense) revealed to him by none other than Big G. Well hot damn, ain't that a helluva coincidence?
It's difficult to imagine anyone taking Mr. Camping's dubious claims seriously, especially in light of the fact he already fucked up once on his "Bible Guaranteed" end of days prediction back in 1994 (seems God had a scheduling conflict). However, in what is perhaps the strongest case for atheism I can imagine, Mr. Camping has not only managed to maintain his popularity in the years following his failed prediction, but his radio network has now grown to over 150 stations in the United States alone, producing content in over 40 different languages...end times indeed.
We can only hope that when the sun rises on May 22, 2011 and the world still looks suspiciously like it did on May 20th, Mr. Camping's followers will come to the realization that this man is so chock full of a certain brown, malodorous substance that I suspect he is forced to take monthly doses of Rid-X lest he explode. Perhaps then they might shrug off "Honey Dipper" Harold Camping's superstitious shackles and actually start thinking for themselves instead of blindly following this charlatan. A charlatan whom, I'm sure you will be stunned to discover, is still taking donations on his website despite the end being nigh upon us. Perhaps he's saving up for a penthouse suite in heaven.
Despite my obvious doubts, I think I'm gonna take this prediction seriously, and since it just so happens that the supposed day of the Apocalypse, October 21st (the advertised May 21st is merely Rapture Day...be sure to get your Hallmark cards now though) falls on a Friday this year, I see absolutely no reason why we all shouldn't throw one big "Kiss Your Sweet Ass Goodbye" party. I mean the Earth has been pretty good to us humans for almost 11,000 years (Camping's silly-ass math, not mine) so let's send this bitch out in style! Who's with me?
 |
| You will likely still be here on May 22nd...Unfortunately, so will this man. |
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Blaaarghh! Get to the Choppa!!!
Slayer meets Dethklok, with just a dash of Tool for good measure.
How in the heck did it take me so long to find out about this?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
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