Go get 'em Randy!

Rand Paul Leads Filibuster of Brennan Nomination

I've been watching for almost 4 hours now.  Nice to see a Republican with some actual grasp of the concept of civil liberties.  It almost makes me want to move to Kentucky just so I could vote for Mr. Paul.  Of course, then I'd have to live in Kentucky (BURN!).

I suppose I should be counted among those countless "potential terrorists" Mr. Obama's administration is so set on reserving the right to kill without warrant or trial.

Rand Paul for President!  I tell you, 2016 can't get here fast enough...

How about this for a campaign slogan:  Rand Paul 2016.  Change for the better.  

Or maybe:  Rand Paul 2016.  Yes, he's still talking.  :P

Image courtesy of Senate Television, via Associated Press

Oh snap...

Jimmy Clausen makes friends with his 'Catholics vs. Cousins' shirt

On Display: The wit and class of the average Notre Dame fan.

Personally, I would have gone with Pedophiles Vs. Plantation Owners...

P.S. Jimmy Clausen is a tool.  Roll Tide! #stillbitteraboutbriankelly

Four More Years of This?!?

Obama Wins a Clear Victory, but Balance of Power Is Unchanged in Washington



Four more years?!?  Atheists such as myself welcome this new proof of our theory.

Kinky...

 

Note to AP: Spellchecker is your friend...

Attention Friends and Family...

I know what I want for Christmas.

It's nice to see another country challenging Japan as the world's number one source for bizarre shit.  Well done, Korea.  Well done.

Kinda Gives a Whole New Meaning to "Bait and Switch..."

Man Calls Police After Prostitute Raises Price

Southeast Michigan police say a man called authorities on Wednesday and complained that a 19-year-old Ohio woman he agreed to pay for sex with raised the price after accepting his money.

Source: http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/NATL-Man-Complains-After-Prostitute-Raises-Price-168163636.html#ixzz25Mz7qi00

My fellow primates never cease to amaze and bewilder me.

The Big O's 2nd and 3rd Senior Seasons Were Amazing!

Last night my Cincinnati Bearcats (Yes, MY BEARCATS) beat Florida State in the NCAA tournament to earn their first trip to the Sweet 16 in over a decade.  While basking in their reflected glory, I decided to hop on over to espn.com (my first mistake) to see what the "experts" had to say about their victory (my second mistake).  While perusing the game recap, I stumbled upon the following gem:

"Cincinnati (26-10) will play No. 2 seed Ohio State in Boston on Thursday night in the East Regional, joining Xavier and Ohio in the second weekend. The Bearcats and Ohio State last played on Dec. 16, 2006, when Ohio State won 72-50 in Indianapolis in the Wooden Tradition. That was the only time the former state rivals have played since Cincinnati's championship game wins with Oscar Robertson."

 "Two national championship wins in absentia.  Hot damn, I was good!"

Cool story, but there's one little problem.  When the Bearcats defeated Ohio State for the national championship in 1961 and 1962, Oscar was busy playing in the NBA with the Cincinnati Royals.

This brings to mind one question; Does ESPN utilize some sort of screening process when hiring fact-checkers, or is breathing pretty much the only requirement?  At least they didn't refer to him as Oscar Robinson...

My new anthem

The last minute of this song is pure fucking genius.  All hail Bat-yote.  He doesn't give a chainsaw.

Countdown to Extinction...postponed indefinitely.

May 21, 2011, 8:51 P.M. EST

Dear Diary,

Hmm, I'm still surrounded by Christians.  I guess God stayed up late last night helping Fred Phelps come up with witty new catch phrases for his picket signs ("God hates fags" is pretty good, but it's getting a little stale, in my opinion) and simply couldn't work up enough energy to start the Apocalypse today.  I'm somewhat disappointed, as I was really looking forward to a world without Kirk Cameron...

More later,
Derek

Jesus is coming, everybody look busy!

Hey guys and gals, I was surfing the internet today and I came across some interesting news and I just thought I'd give everyone a head's up.  Umm, apparently the world is coming to an end in a few months.  Yeah, I know.  Ain't that just a kick in the beans?  Don't believe me?  Well just look at this:

The Bible Guarantees It, Or Your Money Back!

That's right, you can forget all about that silly Mayan 2012 nonsense, we've got an even closer date based on an even more asinine and spurious source of information, the bible!  Or should I say, the bible as interpreted by one Mr. Harold Camping.

For those of you who may not be familiar with Harold Camping, let me bring you up to speed.  Harold Camping is a Christian radio broadcaster, author, and president of Family Stations, Inc. who, in addition to actively scorning scientific progress and free inquiry; (choosing instead to promote his own personal brand of ignorance and fear-based superstition) has quite the knack for, shall we say, whimsically picking numbers from the bible and then performing mind-bogglingly convoluted mathematical calculations to support his silly claims.  This time Camping has plucked a few divine lotto numbers from his posterior (hence the smell) and came up with the "Bible Guaranteed" date of the Apocalypse.

What about that pesky "No man shall know the hour" thing, you ask?  No worries, Camping has that one covered.  On his website he quotes: "Whoso keepeth the commandment shall feel no evil thing: and a wise man’s heart discerneth both time and judgment."   For those of you who don't follow Harry's reasoning (I use the term in its loosest sense), allow me to spell it out for you.  Because no man who has walked upon this Earth has ever been wiser, more humble, or closer to Jesus than Mr. Camping himself, he alone has had the truth (again, loose sense) revealed to him by none other than Big G.  Well hot damn, ain't that a helluva coincidence?

It's difficult to imagine anyone taking Mr. Camping's dubious claims seriously, especially in light of the fact he already fucked up once on his "Bible Guaranteed" end of days prediction back in 1994 (seems God had a scheduling conflict).  However, in what is perhaps the strongest case for atheism I can imagine, Mr. Camping has not only managed to maintain his popularity in the years following his failed prediction, but his radio network has now grown to over 150 stations in the United States alone, producing content in over 40 different languages...end times indeed.


We can only hope that when the sun rises on May 22, 2011 and the world still looks suspiciously like it did on May 20th,  Mr. Camping's followers will come to the realization that this man is so chock full of a certain brown, malodorous substance that I suspect he is forced to take monthly doses of Rid-X lest he explode.  Perhaps then they might shrug off "Honey Dipper" Harold Camping's superstitious shackles and actually start thinking for themselves instead of blindly following this charlatan.  A charlatan whom, I'm sure you will be stunned to discover, is still taking donations on his website despite the end being nigh upon us.  Perhaps he's saving up for a penthouse suite in heaven.

Despite my obvious doubts, I think I'm gonna take this prediction seriously, and since it just so happens that the supposed day of the Apocalypse, October 21st (the advertised May 21st is merely Rapture Day...be sure to get your Hallmark cards now though) falls on a Friday this year, I see absolutely no reason why we all shouldn't throw one big "Kiss Your Sweet Ass Goodbye" party.  I mean the Earth has been pretty good to us humans for almost 11,000 years (Camping's silly-ass math, not mine) so let's send this bitch out in style!  Who's with me?   

You will likely still be here on May 22nd...Unfortunately, so will this man.

Blaaarghh! Get to the Choppa!!!

 

Slayer meets Dethklok, with just a dash of Tool for good measure.

How in the heck did it take me so long to find out about this?

Get Funky!

Never again shall I make fun of my father's dancing...

Whew...

One word: PACKERS!!!

31-25 Green Bay.  Thank god...I hate the Steelers so damn much.

Woot!

I'm so excited, I think I'm gonna mess myself...

The King is back...

Now come the days of the King! May they be blessed.

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

What in the "Green" Hell?

I'm a little late to the party on this one...




Sort of hard to miss that message, isn't it? Conform or die.

It's ads like this that make me want to crank my air conditioner up to max, turn on every incandescent light in the house, fire up my television while I simultaneously listen to my MP3 player and surf the internet on my laptop.

Disgusting as it may be, this ad shouldn't startle anyone who is familiar with the so-called "Green" movement. By its very nature (no pun intended) the Green movement is anti-progress, anti-technology, and anti-humanity; a hodgepodge of Primitivism and Gaia worship, with a healthy dose of collectivism and good old-fashioned Fascism thrown in for good measure.

I am somewhat surprised by the fact that they were willing to so clearly spell out their reprehensible beliefs in this ad. Of course, when one takes into account the fact that these are the same people who openly advocate the criminalization of intellectual dissent on any subject they deem to have been "decided," nothing they do or say really comes as much of a surprise anymore—even when they fantasize about murdering school children who disagree with their beliefs.

Al Qaeda would be proud.

As one fellow blogger put it, they are certainly doing their best to put the "Mental" in environ-mental-ism...

At Long Last

After years of fruitlessly searching sacred texts, mystic scrolls, and late-night public access television, I believe I have finally found my messiah.  She speaks great truths with unbridled joy and passion. She will grow stronger, wiser, and lead us all out of the darkness. Behold the splendor of her divine words, and rejoice!

And I quote, "We should just kill all of the cows and just eat them."

Out of the mouths of babes, indeed.

Computers aren't that difficult...

Oh how I wish I would have found this chart years ago.  Thank you Randall Munroe of XKCD, I love you...Well, except for the Obama endorsement, that is.

Whiskey...Tango...Foxtrot

I swear, I couldn't make this crap up if I tried.  From the "This country has officially lost it's f'ing mind" file comes this:

The Cincinnati Health Department will investigate the Cincinnati Reds for violations of the state smoking ban after receiving complaints that the players smoked cigars indoors while celebrating their N.L. Central title

I don't know what's worse, the fact that this law allows the government to tell private citizens what they can or can't do on their own property or the fact that 5 douchebags actually validated this ridiculous ban by calling and tattling on grown men for enjoying a well-deserved cigar after winning a championship that officially ended the franchise's 15 years of irrelevance.

Despite the fact that this story reads like something out of an old Monty Python sketch, some people actually seem to agree with the Reds being fined for this "transgression."  If I may quote one such busybody from the comment section of this story:

"Folks, we need to get away from the misconception that the consumption of tobacco or tobacco products is good or healthy or is a reward for celebration. Instead, we should call the consumption of tobacco what it is; a filthy, disgusting, habit that is attributable to more than 400,000 Americans deaths annually. There is no such thing as a cigar or cigarette burning in the presence of humans or animals that do not cause some degree of danger.

MLB and the Reds organization should be ashamed of the Reds immature behavior, and setting a poor example. MLB and ALL pro sports should condemn the consumption of tobacco."

Now, I won't even try to argue that smoking isn't an unhealthy habit; it unquestionably is.  However, the issue isn't whether smoking is a "filthy, disgusting habit" or not, the issue is whether or not I have the right to decide what I do with my own body, on my own property.  

Furthermore, why the hell is it the responsibility of the Reds, Major League Baseball, or any league to condemn anything?  Especially something that is (at least for the moment...) legal.  The Reds have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  They have had a tremendous season, and as a result will be one of only 8 teams to vie for the World Series championship.  They are all grown men who have the right to chose to celebrate any way they see fit, whether it be downing a couple of gallons of champagne, eating like a pig, or by relaxing with a few cigars...or all three.

Frankly I don't need a nanny and neither do the Cincinnati Reds or any fully-functional adult for that matter.  The last thing we need is our government acting as some sort of ever-present helicopter parent, hovering above us at all times to ensure we don't harm ourselves.  We all deserve to be treated as adults who are capable of making our own decisions in life, and we should take great offense when we aren't.  And yes that even applies to those of us who seemingly enjoy being told what to do, how to live, and for some reason still feel compelled to tattle on those of us who don't.

A grown man enjoying himself?!
Somebody call the fun police!!!

Photo courtesy: AP Photo/Tom Uhlman 

Feelin' Blue...

I've been going through my massive mp3 collection the last few days and I stumbled across some old blues tracks I hadn't listened to in a while.  Damn, Big Mama could wail!



And while I'm in a bluesy kinda mood, how 'bout some Big Walter Horton.




Yup, that's the good stuff right there.