Attack of the Individual

Countdown to Extinction...postponed indefinitely.

2011-05-21T20:51:00.004-04:00

May 21, 2011, 8:51 P.M. EST

Dear Diary,

Hmm, I'm still surrounded by Christians. I guess God stayed up late last night helping Fred Phelps come up with witty new catch phrases for his picket signs ("God hates fags" is pretty good, but it's getting a little stale, in my opinion) and simply couldn't work up enough energy to start the Apocalypse today. I'm somewhat disappointed, as I was really looking forward to a world without Kirk Cameron...

More later,
Derek

Jesus is coming, everybody look busy!

2011-03-13T04:29:00.000-04:00

Hey guys and gals, I was surfing the internet today and I came across some interesting news and I just thought I'd give everyone a head's up. Umm, apparently the world is coming to an end in a few months. Yeah, I know. Ain't that just a kick in the beans? Don't believe me? Well just look at this:

The Bible Guarantees It, Or Your Money Back!

That's right, you can forget all about that silly Mayan 2012 nonsense, we've got an even closer date based on an even more asinine and spurious source of information, the bible! Or should I say, the bible as interpreted by one Mr. Harold Camping.

For those of you who may not be familiar with Harold Camping, let me bring you up to speed. Harold Camping is a Christian radio broadcaster, author, and president of Family Stations, Inc. who, in addition to actively scorning scientific progress and free inquiry; (choosing instead to promote his own personal brand of ignorance and fear-based superstition) has quite the knack for, shall we say, whimsically picking numbers from the bible and then performing mind-bogglingly convoluted mathematical calculations to support his silly claims. This time Camping has plucked a few divine lotto numbers from his posterior (hence the smell) and came up with the "Bible Guaranteed" date of the Apocalypse.

What about that pesky "No man shall know the hour" thing, you ask? No worries, Camping has that one covered. On his website he quotes: "Whoso keepeth the commandment shall feel no evil thing: and a wise man’s heart discerneth both time and judgment." For those of you who don't follow Harry's reasoning (I use the term in its loosest sense), allow me to spell it out for you. Because no man who has walked upon this Earth has ever been wiser, more humble, or closer to Jesus than Mr. Camping himself, he alone has had the truth (again, loose sense) revealed to him by none other than Big G. Well hot damn, ain't that a helluva coincidence?

It's difficult to imagine anyone taking Mr. Camping's dubious claims seriously, especially in light of the fact he already fucked up once on his "Bible Guaranteed" end of days prediction back in 1994 (seems God had a scheduling conflict). However, in what is perhaps the strongest case for atheism I can imagine, Mr. Camping has not only managed to maintain his popularity in the years following his failed prediction, but his radio network has now grown to over 150 stations in the United States alone, producing content in over 40 different languages...end times indeed.

We can only hope that when the sun rises on May 22, 2011 and the world still looks suspiciously like it did on May 20th, Mr. Camping's followers will come to the realization that this man is so chock full of a certain brown, malodorous substance that I suspect he is forced to take monthly doses of Rid-X lest he explode. Perhaps then they might shrug off "Honey Dipper" Harold Camping's superstitious shackles and actually start thinking for themselves instead of blindly following this charlatan. A charlatan whom, I'm sure you will be stunned to discover, is still taking donations on his website despite the end being nigh upon us. Perhaps he's saving up for a penthouse suite in heaven.

Despite my obvious doubts, I think I'm gonna take this prediction seriously, and since it just so happens that the supposed day of the Apocalypse, October 21st (the advertised May 21st is merely Rapture Day...be sure to get your Hallmark cards now though) falls on a Friday this year, I see absolutely no reason why we all shouldn't throw one big "Kiss Your Sweet Ass Goodbye" party. I mean the Earth has been pretty good to us humans for almost 11,000 years (Camping's silly-ass math, not mine) so let's send this bitch out in style! Who's with me?

You will likely still be here on May 22nd...Unfortunately, so will this man.

Blaaarghh! Get to the Choppa!!!

2011-03-08T17:15:00.000-05:00

Slayer meets Dethklok, with just a dash of Tool for good measure.

How in the heck did it take me so long to find out about this?

Get Funky!

2011-03-03T08:25:00.002-05:00

Never again shall I make fun of my father's dancing...

Whew...

2011-02-06T22:10:00.002-05:00

One word: PACKERS!!!

31-25 Green Bay. Thank god...I hate the Steelers so damn much.

Woot!

2010-12-21T16:21:00.006-05:00

I'm so excited, I think I'm gonna mess myself...

The King is back...

2010-11-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

Now come the days of the King! May they be blessed.

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

What in the "Green" Hell?

2010-10-16T21:39:00.003-04:00

I'm a little late to the party on this one...

Sort of hard to miss that message, isn't it? Conform or die.

It's ads like this that make me want to crank my air conditioner up to max, turn on every incandescent light in the house, fire up my television while I simultaneously listen to my MP3 player and surf the internet on my laptop.

Disgusting as it may be, this ad shouldn't startle anyone who is familiar with the so-called "Green" movement. By its very nature (no pun intended) the Green movement is anti-progress, anti-technology, and anti-humanity; a hodgepodge of Primitivism and Gaia worship, with a healthy dose of collectivism and good old-fashioned Fascism thrown in for good measure.

I am somewhat surprised by the fact that they were willing to so clearly spell out their reprehensible beliefs in this ad. Of course, when one takes into account the fact that these are the same people who openly advocate the criminalization of intellectual dissent on any subject they deem to have been "decided," nothing they do or say really comes as much of a surprise anymore—even when they fantasize about murdering school children who disagree with their beliefs.

Al Qaeda would be proud.

As one fellow blogger put it, they are certainly doing their best to put the "Mental" in environ-mental-ism...

At Long Last

2010-10-14T21:29:00.000-04:00

After years of fruitlessly searching sacred texts, mystic scrolls, and late-night public access television, I believe I have finally found my messiah. She speaks great truths with unbridled joy and passion. She will grow stronger, wiser, and lead us all out of the darkness. Behold the splendor of her divine words, and rejoice!

And I quote, "We should just kill all of the cows and just eat them."

Out of the mouths of babes, indeed.

Computers aren't that difficult...

2010-10-02T18:33:00.005-04:00

Oh how I wish I would have found this chart years ago. Thank you Randall Munroe of XKCD, I love you...Well, except for the Obama endorsement, that is.

Whiskey...Tango...Foxtrot

2010-10-01T22:54:00.005-04:00

I swear, I couldn't make this crap up if I tried. From the "This country has officially lost it's f'ing mind" file comes this:

The Cincinnati Health Department will investigate the Cincinnati Reds for violations of the state smoking ban after receiving complaints that the players smoked cigars indoors while celebrating their N.L. Central title

I don't know what's worse, the fact that this law allows the government to tell private citizens what they can or can't do on their own property or the fact that 5 douchebags actually validated this ridiculous ban by calling and tattling on grown men for enjoying a well-deserved cigar after winning a championship that officially ended the franchise's 15 years of irrelevance.

Despite the fact that this story reads like something out of an old Monty Python sketch, some people actually seem to agree with the Reds being fined for this "transgression." If I may quote one such busybody from the comment section of this story:

"Folks, we need to get away from the misconception that the consumption of tobacco or tobacco products is good or healthy or is a reward for celebration. Instead, we should call the consumption of tobacco what it is; a filthy, disgusting, habit that is attributable to more than 400,000 Americans deaths annually. There is no such thing as a cigar or cigarette burning in the presence of humans or animals that do not cause some degree of danger.

MLB and the Reds organization should be ashamed of the Reds immature behavior, and setting a poor example. MLB and ALL pro sports should condemn the consumption of tobacco."

Now, I won't even try to argue that smoking isn't an unhealthy habit; it unquestionably is. However, the issue isn't whether smoking is a "filthy, disgusting habit" or not, the issue is whether or not I have the right to decide what I do with my own body, on my own property.

Furthermore, why the hell is it the responsibility of the Reds, Major League Baseball, or any league to condemn anything? Especially something that is (at least for the moment...) legal. The Reds have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. They have had a tremendous season, and as a result will be one of only 8 teams to vie for the World Series championship. They are all grown men who have the right to chose to celebrate any way they see fit, whether it be downing a couple of gallons of champagne, eating like a pig, or by relaxing with a few cigars...or all three.

Frankly I don't need a nanny and neither do the Cincinnati Reds or any fully-functional adult for that matter. The last thing we need is our government acting as some sort of ever-present helicopter parent, hovering above us at all times to ensure we don't harm ourselves. We all deserve to be treated as adults who are capable of making our own decisions in life, and we should take great offense when we aren't. And yes that even applies to those of us who seemingly enjoy being told what to do, how to live, and for some reason still feel compelled to tattle on those of us who don't.

A grown man enjoying himself?!
Somebody call the fun police!!!

Photo courtesy: AP Photo/Tom Uhlman

Feelin' Blue...

2010-09-29T19:50:00.000-04:00

I've been going through my massive mp3 collection the last few days and I stumbled across some old blues tracks I hadn't listened to in a while. Damn, Big Mama could wail!

And while I'm in a bluesy kinda mood, how 'bout some Big Walter Horton.

Yup, that's the good stuff right there.

My olfactory system Vs. Limburger cheese

2010-08-04T13:14:00.001-04:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I loves me some cheese. Cheddar, colby, monterey jack, mozzarella, provolone, a nice aged swiss – I love 'em all. Just give me a brick of cheese and some crackers and I'm one happy dude. Heck, I've even been known to partake in the shadier, more ambiguous side of cheesedom, the Velveeta's and Cheez-whiz's. Despite this fondness for all things cheesy, there is one cheese I have never been brave enough to try. Reputation alone has been enough to keep me away from this notorious cheese. On a recent trip to the grocery store, I finally decided to find out for myself if this cheese deserved its horrible reputation. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm talking about Limburger cheese.

According to Wikipedia (and it doesn't get much more reliable than that...) Limburger originated in the mid-19th century in, appropriately enough, the Dutchy of Limburg. As you are likely already aware, Limburger is famous (infamous?) for its foul aroma, which is a result of the bacteria used to culture the cheese, Brevibacterium linens. The disconcerting fact that this just so happens to be the very same bacteria responsible for human body odor has lead me to a less-than-appetizing theory on Limburger's origin.

My theory is as follows. One day, while fed up with an particularly annoying cheese connoisseur, an exasperated cheese-monger decided to take revenge on his irksome patron. After telling the connoisseur of his newest cheese creation, the monger shoved a small block of feta down his pants and left it there for a couple months. Once satisfied that the resulting creation was foul enough, he went and presented the poor, unsuspecting sod with the nauseating brick of crotch-fermented cheese. The connoisseur, being too pretentious to simply state the obvious – that the cheese smelled like a dead pigeon soaked in pig sweat – instead gave a glowing review hailing the new cheese's wondrous qualities and “unique” odor. The artisan cheese community, too worried about appearances to go against majority opinion, agreed with the cheesy ass (which, coincidentally would be good way to describe Limburger's pungent aroma) and the rest is history. Now I freely admit I have absolutely no sources whatsoever to back up this ridiculous theory, (until I edit the Wikipedia page, that is) but I stand firm in this belief nonetheless.

With this theory forming in my head, I cautiously unwrapped my newly-purchased cheese and after taking a big 'ol whiff of the fetid little brick (don't do this...I'm serious.) I somehow forced myself, after a brief psyche-up period, (think Hulk Hogan during one of his classic '80's comebacks) to try a piece all by itself (again, don't do this). After several aborted attempts, I finally decided to search online for some way of preparing this stuff that wouldn't inspire me to perform by best Krakatoa impression. What I found was The Stinky:

The Stinky:
2 slices of Toasted Rye Bread
A layer of Limburger cheese
A thick slice of sweet onion
Spicy brown mustard
1 Hail Mary (Okay, I added the last one. I'm an atheist, but I'll take all the help I can get when I'm about to eat something that smells like John Goodman's jockstrap...)

My opponent. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee...

While this sandwich was certainly preferable to ingesting this noxious cheese straight, that's somewhat akin to saying a punch in the face is preferable to a swift kick to the groin. The spicy mustard and sweet onion do an admirable job of masking the overpowering odor of the Limburger, but the odd exhale through the nose is more than enough for this stinky little cheese to reassert its olfactory dominance. Truth be told, only through sheer will and determination (and a gigantic mug of my beloved Coca-Cola) was I able to power through this sandwich.

Other than being able cross one more thing off of the old culinary bucket list, I really don't have a lot of nice things to say about my experience with Limburger cheese, or as I now call it, Satan's Jell-O. While the taste isn't terrible, its horrific stench simply cannot be overstated, and this is coming from a man with countless sewage back-ups under his belt and who once helped clean up an abandoned, unlicensed slaughterhouse full of putrid deer skins, 55-gallon drums full of rotting pig carcasses, and an unplugged freezer containing what can only be described as a thick, biological, avian soup. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know a thing or two about stinky. It might not be on par with a barrel of rotting pig heads, but Limburger, with its Bootsy Collins level of funk, definitely holds its own in terms of stink. I'm quite sure it's an acquired taste, however I'm not nearly as sure I would be able to survive the acquisition process.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

2010-07-23T01:50:00.000-04:00

On July 15, 2010, Congressman Charles Rangel (D-New York) introduced HR 5741 which would require all citizens and permanent residents of the United States between the ages of 18-40 to perform two years of what is being called “national service.” This would include community service, services promoting the national defense, and perhaps most troubling of all, conscription into the U.S. military during times of war, with the numbers of soldiers and means of their selection left entirely in the hands of the President. This is at least the fifth time Congressman Rangel has introduced this, or similar, legislation (2003, 2004, 2006, 2007, 2010).

In defense of this detestable (and seemingly unconstitutional, see amendment 13) piece of legislation, Mr. Rangel said the following: “The 3.3 million military households, representing only one percent of American families, have become a virtual military class who are unfairly carrying the burden of war.” He went on to say, “We make decisions about war without worry over who fights them. Those who do the fighting have no choice; when the flag goes up, they salute and follow orders. The test for Congress, particularly for those members who support the war, is to require all who enjoy the benefits of our democracy to contribute to the defense of the country. All of America's children should share the risk of being placed in harm's way.”

It would seem that, under the guise of fairness, Mr. Rangel wishes to rob every member of America's youth of two entire years of their life. He claims those who do the fighting “have no choice” but he could not be more mistaken in this assertion. Be it for patriotic reasons, financial reasons, or merely a desire to test their own limits, members of the United States military have, of their own free will, made a conscious decision to enlist. In reality, those who would have no choice in the matter would be those whom Congressman Rangel's bill would affect. They are the individuals to which no option would be given. Young men and women would find themselves forced at the point of a gun to surrender two years of their life to the direct control of the federal government and whatever fancy may strike the political party in power at any given time.

As far as I am concerned, there is only one moral course of action in the dreadful event Mr. Rangel's abominable bill were to actually pass, and that is open defiance. Let them throw us all behind bars and remove any pretense that we would still be living in a free society that had any respect for individual rights in the process. It would be far better to spend a lifetime in prison than to willingly validate with even one minute of compliance, the despicable philosophy lurking behind this bill. The obscene belief that we are not each sovereign individuals, free to make of our own lives what we choose, but rather that we are, as Jeffery Small of Go-Galt.org so aptly put it, “Nothing more than a resource to be manipulated as our masters see fit, in service of any purpose that they may choose.”

Don't mistake my opposition to this bill as merely the ramblings of an unpatriotic coward seeking to justify his own unwillingness to fight for his country. If a foreign force were to invade the United States I would, without hesitation, take up arms in defense of my family, my property, and the ideals upon which this nation was founded. I would gladly lay down my life in their defense. Unfortunately with each passing day it seems far more likely that instead of banding together to repel a foreign adversary bent on our destruction, free men and women may one day have need to take up arms against our own government — the very institution we have entrusted with the protection of our liberty — to ensure that our freedoms are upheld.

The right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Mr. Rangel, your bill infringes upon all three of those rights which we Americans hold so dear. The Revolutionary War was fought over less grievous injustices than those contained within the atrocity you wish to inflict upon the American people. Mr. Rangel, my life is not yours to administrate as you see fit, nor is it subject to the passing whims of any senator, president, king, or god. Despite what you and your colleagues may think, Mr. Rangel, my life is my own, not the government's to own.

For more: http://go-galt.org/Galt_Pledge/JG_Blog.html#138

Congressman Rangel's official site: http://rangel.house.gov/2010/07/rangeldraft0716.html

R.I.P. Big Butter Jesus, 2004 - 2010

2010-06-15T23:38:00.002-04:00

It is a sad day here in southern Ohio. Thanks to last night's thunderstorms, our very own Big Butter Jesus is no more. No longer will the gleam from his immense, white visage greet weary travelers who happen through his little stretch of I-75 between Cincinnati and Dayton. Oh sure, he will probably be rebuilt, but his “second-coming,” so to speak, likely won't be able to capture the same awe-inspiring grandeur and majesty of the original.

62 feet tall, creamy white, and reportedly coming in at a cool $250,000 (That's a quarter of a million dollars, kids) Big Butter was truly a sight to behold. I imagine he had to come as quite a shock to those visitors who were passing through town, not expecting to stumble upon a Godzilla-sized likeness of the Christian savior fashioned out of foam and fiberglass. As startling as he could be to the unsuspecting out-of-towner, he had to be an even bigger shock to those passing by last night.

I can just imagine. Driving home from work you happen to glance over at Monroe's monstrous messiah just as a bolt of lightning flashes out of the black night sky. Like something out of the Bible itself, flames immediately shoot out of Jesus' outstretched hand, and quickly proceed to consume the entire statue. In a matter of minutes everyone's favorite fig-bucking Jesus statue is reduced to little more than a smoldering steel skeleton and a pile of ash.

I only assume that God finally happened to turn His gaze towards our beloved religious eyesore and decided to get all Old Testament on our collective asses. Full of divine rage, He reached down from the heavens above and smote the abominable J-man in a righteous blaze of fire and for all to see. Doesn't take a Biblical scholar to get that message loud and clear: God no likey ginormous Jesus statue!

Of course there is always the more reasoned, scientific approach to explain Big Butter Jesus' unfortunate destruction. With his giant steel frame, it is somewhat hard to believe this didn't happen sooner. But honestly, who could have possibly known that making an enormous, 60ft tall, steel-framed statue of Jesus out of paper-mache, Styrofoam, duct tape, thermite, and napalm was such a bad idea?

Make no mistake, there is a part of me that absolutely delights in the absurd irony of this glaring example of religion's ridiculous nature being violently wiped from the Earth in a fiery “act of God,” but deep down I am actually gonna miss the silly old thing. Sure, it may have been a profoundly garish and embarrassing eyesore, but dammit it was our profoundly garish and embarrassing eyesore! Here's hoping they rebuild it, bigger, better, and uh...Jesus-ier! Perhaps the nearby Islamic Center should erect a Big Butter Mohammed statue in its stead. You're right, that probably wouldn't be kosher...

Gone, but not forgotten. I look for his return in three days...

My cat wants to kill me...

2010-06-01T23:06:00.001-04:00

I found this pretty funny. I'm pretty sure there is more than a shred of truth to it as well.

President Alan Smithee

2010-05-02T21:49:00.005-04:00

I'd be willing to bet the name Alan Smithee doesn't mean much to most of you. I feel confident in that assumption simply because anonymity was exactly what Alan Smithee wanted. A few of you who are familiar with the history of Hollywood may already be aware of Mr. Smithee, but if you do not count yourself among those people, allow me to bring you up to speed.

Director Alan Smithee enjoyed a long and varied career in Hollywood, directing such diverse films as Death of a Gunfighter; The O.J. Simpson Story; and Hellraiser: Bloodline. From 1968 to 2000 he was credited for dozens of films and despite officially retiring a decade ago, his name still appears now and again if one looks hard enough. Despite this impressive resume, he remains largely unknown to this day.

You may be wondering what exactly is so special about this particular director that he should now warrant your attention. After all, aren't there countless numbers of directors whose careers have eventually been all but forgotten by the general public? Well yes that is true, and in that respect there really is nothing terribly out of the ordinary about Alan Smithee. What sets Mr. Smithee apart from the myriad of other forgotten directors is the fact that Alan Smithee never existed.

For over thirty years Alan Smithee was the official pseudonym used by members of the Director's Guild of America who felt that they had lost, or never had, control over the final outcome of their film. The aggrieved director would petition the DGA for an “Alan Smithee” credit and if the guild agreed that the director's vision had been compromised by forces outside of his control, his request would be granted. This practice prevented a director from having his name attached to a film he wasn't particularly proud of while simultaneously allowing the film to be released without the black mark of having had its director publicly disown it. After many years of use this face-saving tactic became somewhat of an open secret within Hollywood and was eventually discontinued.

While Alan Smithee may no longer be working in the film industry, it seems that he is primed to make a comeback of sorts on the political scene thanks to President Obama.

A year and a half after assuming office, President Obama still continues to point the finger of blame towards his predecessor at every opportunity. The prolonged economic downturn? He inherited that from President Bush. Skyrocketing unemployment? Again, Bush. The projected 20-trillion dollar debt by 2015? You guessed it. All President Bush's fault.

Why according to President Obama, even his own party's stunning loss in Massachusetts at the hands of Republican Scott Brown was the direct result of President Bush.

“People are angry and they’re frustrated. Not just because of what’s happened in the last year or two years, but what’s happened over the last eight years.”

-President Obama, on the election of Scott Brown

So the election of a Republican in Ted Kennedy's former seat had more to do with the residual anger the citizens of Massachusetts felt towards President Bush, a Republican, than it did with the actions and policies of the current Democrat majority under the leadership of President Obama? If we are to believe President Obama, yes.

With the economy showing little signs of recovery, the national debt exploding to absurd levels, and support for his redistributive policies continuing to dwindle (along with his approval ratings), I can foresee only one logical response for President Obama. Since, as he has made abundantly clear, his presidency has never been and apparently never will be fully under his control due to the actions of the previous officeholder, he certainly shouldn't be held responsible for his administration's numerous failures. It seems the only viable option for Mr. Obama is to dust off that old Hollywood tradition and begin petitioning historians and school boards around the world as soon as possible. If he acts now he can guarantee that long after he leaves office the history books will tell the tale of the disastrous presidency of Alan Hussein Smithee.

A terrible shame that the first black president should have to suffer such an ignoble fate, but as we all know, that will be President Bush's fault, too.

South Park Solidarity

2010-04-22T23:43:00.001-04:00

Over the past week the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, have received numerous death threats—most notably from the radical New York-based organization, Revolution Muslim—in response to a recent episode of their show in which the Muslim prophet Mohammed appeared.

Regardless of your opinion of this particular episode, South Park, or its creators; this cowardly attack on free speech is completely unacceptable in a free society and must be fought. It is vitally important to demonstrate to those who wish to silence others by means of intimidation and violence that free people will not cower in fear because of the irrational demands of violent extremists.

In response to these terroristic threats, I am hereby announcing Attack of the Individual's unwavering support of Mr. Parker and Mr. Stone as a show of open defiance against those who have issued these threats. While I admit this may not be much, I feel obligated to show my support to the creators of my favorite, little foul-mouthed fourth graders. It is my hope that other bloggers and webmasters will join me in this show of solidarity against radical Islam's latest “Jihad against free speech.”

Please feel free to use the banner below if you wish to show your support:

For more on this story, click here and here.

Chris Henry 1983-2009

2009-12-17T19:43:00.004-05:00

What a waste.

That's all that keeps coming to mind when I think about Chris Henry's passing earlier today. What a waste. A young man who had been through so much adversity – most, by his own admission, a direct result of his own actions – finally seemed to have his life on track. After numerous and highly publicized legal issues, Henry distanced himself from people whom he considered to be negative influences, and managed to keep his nose clean ever since being re-signed by the Cincinnati Bengals in 2008. He had a beautiful fiancée, three beautiful children, and was being paid millions of dollars to play a game most American men would gladly play for free.

Chris Henry had all of the tools to be one of the elite wide receivers in the NFL. Unfortunately, his many bad decisions coupled with some equally bad luck kept him from ever reaching his on-field potential. Still, even after nearly five years of frustration with the oft-injured and troubled receiver, Bengals fans like myself couldn't help but be excited for the day when a healthy and mature Chris Henry suited up in tiger stripes on Sundays. Now, we'll never know just how good he would've been.

As disappointing as the loss of a talented young athlete is, a wasted football career is trivial when one considers the three children Henry leaves behind. His three small children are now forced to grow up without their father. They won't get to cheer as their dad scores touchdowns on Sundays. No, instead this Sunday they will be planning to bury their father, at 26 years old.

I don't currently know all of the details surrounding Mr. Henry's death, and for me to speculate here would be in very poor taste. Whatever transpired Wednesday afternoon, it appears his death was the unfortunate outcome of one last poor decision in a life which was regrettably fraught with them. A tragic, but not altogether unexpected end for a young man whose brief life was so frustratingly defined by what if.

In the end I think Mr. Henry's life can accurately be summed up by a single play. Back in a 2005 playoff game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Henry caught a 66 yard pass on the Bengals first offensive snap – and seriously injured his knee on the very same play. That was Chris Henry in a nutshell; A brilliant flash of potential, followed by bitter misfortune and disappointment. Regardless of whatever is ultimately written upon Chris Henry's tombstone, I can think of no epitaph more fitting than “What might have been.”

Former atheist becomes true believer. Exclaims, "Truly there is a God...and He hates the Cincinnati Bengals!"

2009-09-13T17:42:00.012-04:00

"Ugh...Why hast thou forsaken me?"

After a calm and collected Carson Palmer expertly led the Cincinnati Bengals offense on a 6 minute, 91 yard touchdown drive that eerily mirrored his USC Trojan's game-winning drive against the Ohio State Buckeyes the night before, things seemed pretty darn good in Bengal-land. Up 7-6 with only 38 seconds to play, the team seemed almost assured of a win. They had somehow found a way to overcome dumb penalties, wasted opportunities, and 55 minutes of inept offense to steal a victory and avoid a crushing opening day loss at home.

Then the all-too-predictable disaster struck. In a play that could really only happen to the Cincinnati Bengals, a desperate Kyle Orton lobbed a pass that was nowhere near his intended target and was subsequently tipped into the air by Bengals cornerback, Leon Hall. For any other team, the ball would have either been intercepted by one of Hall's teammates or merely fallen harmlessly to the ground. But because these are the Bengals, Denver wide receiver Brandon Stokley just happened to be in the perfect spot to catch the deflected ball and scamper 87 yards for a touchdown to give the Broncos (after a missed 2-point conversion) an unbelievable 12-7 win in Cincinnati.

I am left with only one explanation for this madness: There is a God, and He absolutely hates the Cincinnati Bengals with a passion. So God, on behalf of the downtrodden football fans of Cincinnati, I implore thee, please spare the UC Bearcats from your divine wrath. They are our only hope of salvation...oh, the Bearcats and your son of course. Heh, heh, heh...Please don't smite me!

False start. 5 yard penalty. Still first down.

2009-09-11T16:02:00.004-04:00

How not to start a successful blog.

Step 1) Set up your account

Step 2) Ignore blog for 8 months or so...

Step 3) ???

Step 4) PROFIT!

Regular posts are coming soon, I swear.

Image courtesy NFL.com

Hello and Welcome!

2009-01-07T02:08:00.007-05:00

Hello everybody and welcome to the Attack of the Individual blog. This post marks the beginning of what I hope will be many years of sharing with you my thoughts and opinions on subjects ranging from politics to video games and everything in between.

A word of warning to those of you reading this; I will not pull punches or edit myself to save anyone's feelings. If you are easily offended, this may not be your cup of tea. If this is the case, I hope that you will at least consider what I have to say and offer your opinion in return. Despite what I would like to think, I am not infallible (for instance, I misspelled infallible in my first draft) and if you happen to find fault with my conclusions and can offer a more compelling argument to the contrary, I am not above changing my opinion.

That being said, I am a fan of trivial things such as video games and cartoons so that will most likely consume the majority of the posts on this blog. I am also a huge fan of b-movies (hence the Godzilla/Gamera tribute in the above banner) so that subject will likely pop up from time to time, but I try to save that particular topic for my other site, www.BadMovieRealm.com.

In closing I would like to thank you for reading this and I hope you'll stick around for a long time, even if I decide to post an entire month's worth of ramblings extolling the many virtues of Metallica, South Park and Super Mario Bros...which I probably will.